Romantic love is not for the weak of heart. It is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. It is here that we hopefully have our most emotionally and sexually intimate moments with another human being. It is here that our most painful emotional wounds eventually surface in order to be exorcised. And it is here that we most deeply get to know ourselves.

There are millions of books out there on different ways to attract your soul mate and how to make them not run for the hills once he/she gets there. I ve read them in my search for that elusive key to unlock the mysteries of romance, and I will tell you that manipulation and control never create a meaningful and lasting relationship, and they certainly will not bring you peace. So what does?

Well, I am still not so sure. Actually, this article is a compilation of my experience of what works and what doesn't work in the world of love, at least for me. Love is a tough nut to crack. There are always new mountains to climb and valleys to transverse. It s a never-ending learning process.

I do not believe that there is an exact recipe for success for romantic relationships that fits every human being, as we are all very different. But, I do believe that there are several key factors that help keep human beings centered when they are brave enough to enter into a relationship.

In no particular order, I present them to you below:

~Practice Self-Acceptance~

Nobody is perfect. As human beings we have many different pieces that make up the entire puzzle of who we are. It is imperative that we explore the different aspects of our personalities: the good, the bad, and the ugly, in order to come to understand and have compassion for ourselves, so we can fully experience real love.

Relationships are the great mirrors to our souls. Our "stuff" will always be reflected back to us through our intimate partners. Soul mates push buttons. If there are things about ourselves that we do not accept, we cannot expect our intimate partners to accept them either. It s spiritually impossible. There are so many rewards that come with self-acceptance, one of them being less emotional walls to scale in a relationship, which means there will be much more positive energy circulating within the partnership.

~Focus on Your Essence~

There is a lot of pressure in society today to look and be a certain way. Having the body of a Victoria Secret s model, a big paycheck, a high-class car, designer clothes, etc are not the things of which an authentic relationship are built. They might be attractive and enticing, but they have no long-term staying power if you want the real thing.

We fall in love with each other s essence. Your essence is an intangible item that is not of this world. It is very powerful and at it s core, always beautiful. It is your soul.

When you focus on your essence, you begin to realize that you don t have to be or look a certain way, or have the best toys, to be the most magnetic person in the room. When you focus on your essence you are less likely to forget who you are, as many of us do, when you begin to fall in love with someone. This keeps the dynamics of the relationship much more interesting and positive. You don't lose you.

~Think Open Hand/Open Heart~

In simple terms: do not try to control your partner or the outcome of the relationship. This is tough, as we all have a picture in our minds of the way we think things are "supposed" to be, and can get pretty nasty and insecure when they start looking differently.

Control is a major issue in many relationships. It is very scary to take your hands off the wheel when you have an emotional investment in a relationship, but it is imperative to do so. Trying to control your relationship will most likely elicit the exact opposite response of what you would like to happen in the first place. Intuitively we know this, yet we do it anyway. We just can t seem to help ourselves, but we must! I am speaking from experience. This is where my wounds surface with a vengeance.

When I find myself wallowing in this dark place now, I tell myself to think "open hand/open heart." This means no clutching, emotionally or physically.

I visualize the essence of the relationship as a room and in this room is a door and several windows. In an unhealthy relationship, the doors and the windows are closed tightly. No air is circulating, and eventually the people in the room (relationship) either emotionally die or break one of the windows to run for the hills in order to be free.

A healthy relationship keeps the doors and windows wide open. Plenty of air is circulating and no one feels trapped. Relationships thrive in this environment. Keep your doors and windows open. If the person is meant to be in your life, all the open doors and windows in the world, will not make them leave. Trust that truth.

~Have Other Passions Besides Him/Her~

Nothing will suck the life out of romance then having no other interests in this world other then your mate.

Get a hobby! Do the things you love to do. By nurturing yourself, you will have more to give your partner. Learn to play golf, play your favorite sport, write a book, take up tennis, go back to school, or read a new book. Just do something other then focusing on the relationship. In other words, get a life!

~Go for Friendship See his/her Soul~

Sexual chemistry is an amazing phenomenon as far as I am concerned. It is wonderful, fabulous, incredibly important, and all those sorts of things, but it will not sustain a relationship forever.

Love changes over time. The initial hot passion you might feel for a person at the beginning of a relationship will mellow out over time and be replaced by something much more magnificent.

Being true friends with your intimate partner enriches all facets of the relationship, including sex. When you look at your partner, try to see beyond the physical and peer into his/her soul. Connect with them on a soul level, and you will find that communication will flow more freely, and the trust level between you will increase. Most importantly you will build your relationship on the most solid foundation that exists in the universe today...friendship.

~Love Lives Inside Of You! Nothing Outside Yourself Will Bring You Happiness~

You and only you are responsible for your happiness. Many times we unconsciously seek a romantic relationship to fill the empty spaces in our lives and hearts. This never works. In fact, we end up setting ourselves up for major disappointment when we come from this empty place.

No one, no matter how wonderful they are, can meet all of our expectations at every moment of every day. It is impossible. So what are we to do?

Stop looking for love in all the wrong places! Love lives inside of you. If you rely on yourself to fill the empty spaces, you will take a lot of pressure off of your spouse, which in turn can only enhance the relationship.

Fill the empty spaces in your heart. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Comfort yourself. Be what you are seeking to find. Be whole on your own, and then share that wholeness with your partner.

~Live in the Moment~

Hold a vision for your relationship, but be flexible. When you are spending time with your partner spend time with your partner. Many times we allow our minds to be off in the distant uncertain future somewhere, wondering what is going to happen with the relationship six months, one year or five years from now, instead of enjoying the present moment. This frame of mind breeds insecurity, In the song All the Way, one of my favorite Frank Sinatra tunes, Frank sings, "who knows where the road may lead us, only a fool would say." Listen to Frank. Don't worry about where the road may lead, just be present for the trip.

We must have faith that the universe knows what it is doing. Let go and enjoy the journey, knowing that wherever you end up will be the perfect place.

~Walk Through Your Wounds When They Surface~

There is nothing like an intimate relationship to push your hot buttons. A true mate will bring your issues to the surface for sure. As uncomfortable as this is, it is actually a wonderful thing. If fact, if you are with someone, that doesn t make your insecurities rise to the surface from time to time, I d be concerned. It s not natural. People say that love should be easy, but let s face it, it is not easy by any stretch of the imagination.

When these wounded moments arrive, as they surely will, try to see the situation as an opportunity to release the things that have held you back in the past. Name what you are feeling when your wounds surface. Fear of vulnerability, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, and fear of abandonment, come up for most of us at one time or another. This is part of being human and nothing that we should be avoiding. If we avoid processing the feelings, we will never get past them.

Once you know what the wound is, walk right through it. Walk through your fear of being close to someone. Just acknowledge it s presence and keep on moving forward. Don t shrink back from the uncomfortable emotions. Once you allow yourself to walk through the wounds, you will see that you are strong enough to endure them, and they will lose their power over you.

~Practice the Golden Rule~

How many times did we hear from our parents when we were growing up recite the Golden Rule? "Do unto others, as you would like to have done to you." Makes sense doesn t it? But yet we do not always practice it, particularly when it comes to our romantic partners.

Think about the other person. Think about their feelings, their history, their wounds, and their visions, besides your own. Do things in the spirit of love, forgiveness, and understanding.

~Get A Daily Dose Of Spirit~

In the past, I ve been most likely to throw my spiritual values out the window when I got romantically involved with someone. I wanted to do it my way, not God s way. His way after all, might mean the relationship wouldn t fit the mold of what I thought it should be.

I ve learned to do things differently recently. My spiritual life comes first. This key helps all the other key principles mentioned above work in sync together. Believing in a power that is bigger then yourself and believing that this universe is perfect, no matter how terrible it may look at times, will help make inner peace a regular part of your daily experience. Peace will prevail in life and relationships, instead of fear. Definitely something exciting to strive for. Conclusion:

Whew! Love sure is challenging. In fact, many of us may wonder if it is worth it at times, especially after most of us have experienced painful breakups and/or divorces at one time or another. It is difficult enough to navigate around our own emotions & experiences, none the less navigate around someone else's. But as the saying goes, "good things never come easy", and love is the best of all things.

Connections with other human beings, particularly our most intimate of relationships, is the true substance of life. In the end, it is what really matters. I don t' believe we are born into this world just to run scared from love, wear nice clothes, and pay our bills on time. There's just got to be more.

We are meant to experience the fullness of life, including romantic relationships, and we are born wired with the ability to do so. Believe in your ability to navigate the challenging terrains of romantic relationships. We all just need to find the courage to swim in the mystery of it all, to let go, and to love.

浪漫的愛(ài)情不是為脆弱心靈準(zhǔn)備的，因?yàn)樗�能夠讓人同時(shí)體會(huì)到極大的興奮和恐懼。浪漫的感覺(jué)很可能使我們同另一個(gè)人在情感和性上達(dá)到最親密的結(jié)合，它也可能會(huì)使我們最大的痛苦最終浮上水面，以便我們將其驅(qū)散，并且它能夠讓我們更深刻的認(rèn)識(shí)自己。

有成千上萬(wàn)的書(shū)教你怎樣吸引情人以及怎樣使他們不要移情別戀。為了解開(kāi)浪漫愛(ài)情的秘密，我讀了很多這樣的書(shū)，我的體會(huì)就是靠操縱和控制維持的關(guān)系是沒(méi)有意義的，也不會(huì)長(zhǎng)久，并且絕對(duì)不會(huì)和睦。那么我們?cè)撛趺醋瞿兀?/p>

其實(shí)我也還不確定。實(shí)際上這篇文章只是我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)總結(jié)，關(guān)于在愛(ài)情世界里什么有用什么沒(méi)用——至少對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)。愛(ài)情是塊難啃的骨頭，我們?cè)趷?ài)情里總會(huì)不斷的遇到新?tīng)顩r，我們不斷學(xué)習(xí)，卻永遠(yuǎn)學(xué)不完。

我不想有哪個(gè)浪漫愛(ài)情的成功訣竅能夠適合每個(gè)人，因?yàn)槲覀兏鞑幌嗤�。但是，我確實(shí)相信有那么幾個(gè)關(guān)鍵因素，在人們勇敢地開(kāi)始一段感情后可以幫助人們受到對(duì)方的關(guān)注。

以下各條并沒(méi)有先后之分：

〜練習(xí)自我肯定〜

沒(méi)有人是完美的。同為人類(lèi)我們卻各不相同，這就使我們對(duì)自己是何許人感到困惑。我們必須探究一下我們性格中各個(gè)不同的方面，好的、壞的、丑惡的，以便我們?nèi)チ私庾约�、寬容自己，這樣有助于我們充分體驗(yàn)真正的愛(ài)情了。

對(duì)于我們的靈魂來(lái)說(shuō)，感情是一面巨大的鏡子。我們總能夠通過(guò)去我們的親密伴侶發(fā)現(xiàn)自己的“特質(zhì)”。Soul mates push buttons.如果我們自己都無(wú)法接受自己的某些東西，那我們就不能指望我們的親密伴侶接受它們，因?yàn)閺母星樯暇驼f(shuō)不通。自我肯定能夠帶來(lái)很多好處，其中之一就是在感情上會(huì)少些隔閡，這就意味著會(huì)給戀愛(ài)關(guān)系帶來(lái)更多的良性循環(huán)。

〜關(guān)注自己的本質(zhì)〜

在現(xiàn)今這個(gè)社會(huì)中要顯得與眾不同是很難的。維多利亞時(shí)代的身材、家財(cái)萬(wàn)貫、高檔汽車(chē)、名牌服裝，等等等等，這些都不是建立可靠關(guān)系的基礎(chǔ)。雖然可能很有吸引力和誘惑力，但是如果你想要份真正的愛(ài)情，它們就遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)不夠了。

我們戀愛(ài)是因?yàn)槲覀儛?ài)上了對(duì)方的本質(zhì)。所謂本質(zhì)是一種不存在于這個(gè)世界的無(wú)形的東西。它具有強(qiáng)大的力量，并且其核心總是美麗的。它是你的靈魂。

一旦你開(kāi)始關(guān)注自己的本質(zhì)，你就會(huì)認(rèn)識(shí)到，其實(shí)你不必顯得與眾不同、也不必精心打扮，甚至也不必成為屋子里最有吸引力的人。一旦你開(kāi)始關(guān)注自己的本質(zhì)，那么你在愛(ài)上某個(gè)人的時(shí)候，就不太可能像我們一樣忘記自己是誰(shuí)。這會(huì)使愛(ài)情變得更有趣更積極。你不會(huì)迷失自己。

〜考慮放手或者敞開(kāi)心扉〜

簡(jiǎn)單來(lái)說(shuō)：不要試圖控制你的伴侶或關(guān)系的走向。這是棘手的問(wèn)題，因?yàn)槲覀兡X子里都某些事情都有一些“假定”的藍(lán)圖，一旦事情與它們不同，情況就會(huì)變得相當(dāng)糟糕并且不再牢固。

控制欲是對(duì)很多關(guān)系來(lái)說(shuō)都是個(gè)大問(wèn)題。對(duì)一段關(guān)系投入感情時(shí)，你會(huì)很害怕放開(kāi)手中的方向盤(pán)，但是卻必須這樣做。試圖控制你們的關(guān)系往往會(huì)帶來(lái)跟你希望的相反的結(jié)果。我們不僅要認(rèn)識(shí)到這一點(diǎn)，而且無(wú)論如何要做到這一點(diǎn)。我們似乎總是忍不住，但是我們必須做到。這是我的經(jīng)驗(yàn)之談。我曾因此受過(guò)很重的傷。

當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己陷入了這種狀況時(shí)，我告訴自己去試著“放手或者敞開(kāi)心扉”。這意味著無(wú)論是感情上還是生理上都不再緊抓不放。

我想象關(guān)系的本質(zhì)就是一間屋子，這個(gè)屋子又一扇門(mén)和很多窗戶(hù)。在不健康的關(guān)系中門(mén)和窗都是緊緊關(guān)閉的，沒(méi)有空氣循環(huán)，而關(guān)在屋子里的人要么死了不再愛(ài)要么打破窗戶(hù)，重獲自由，移情別戀。

而健康的關(guān)系則會(huì)保持門(mén)窗敞開(kāi)，會(huì)有充足的空氣流通，沒(méi)有人會(huì)覺(jué)得自己被困在里面，關(guān)系能夠在這種環(huán)境下成長(zhǎng)。打開(kāi)你的門(mén)窗。如果你的生命中注定有這個(gè)人存在，那么即使門(mén)窗敞開(kāi)他也不會(huì)離去。相信吧，這是真理。

〜除了他/她還有其他愛(ài)好〜

沒(méi)有什么會(huì)比除了伴侶就沒(méi)其他興趣愛(ài)好更容易使生活喪失浪漫的感覺(jué)。

培養(yǎng)一種愛(ài)好！做你愛(ài)做的事，在豐富自己的過(guò)程中可以給另一半帶來(lái)更多的欣喜。比如學(xué)著打高爾夫，練習(xí)最喜歡的運(yùn)動(dòng)，寫(xiě)本書(shū)，學(xué)打乒乓球，回學(xué)校繼續(xù)學(xué)習(xí)或者讀本新書(shū)。只要不是只關(guān)注與你們的感情，隨便做點(diǎn)什么就行。換句話(huà)說(shuō)就是振作起來(lái)！

〜和愛(ài)人做朋友—看清他的靈魂〜

激情是一種令人驚訝的現(xiàn)象，至少對(duì)我而言是這樣。它很美好，如同神話(huà)一般，并且異乎尋常的重要，和所有這些類(lèi)似的事物一樣，但是它卻不能永遠(yuǎn)維持人們之間的關(guān)系。

愛(ài)情會(huì)隨著時(shí)間而改變。在剛剛愛(ài)上一個(gè)人時(shí)所感覺(jué)到的火熱的激情將會(huì)隨著時(shí)間變得平和并被其他更美好的事情取代。

和愛(ài)人做朋友會(huì)使你們關(guān)系中的各個(gè)方面變得豐富，包括性�？此麜r(shí)不要只看他身體上的特征而要關(guān)注他的靈魂。如果能夠做到心靈相通，你就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)溝通變得更加流暢，并且彼此間的信任感會(huì)增強(qiáng)。最重要的是，這樣做就是將你們之間的關(guān)系建立在了現(xiàn)今這個(gè)世界中最牢固的基礎(chǔ)上——友誼。

〜要用心愛(ài)對(duì)方！不是出自?xún)?nèi)心的不會(huì)讓你感到幸福〜

你，也只有你要對(duì)自己的幸福負(fù)責(zé)。很多時(shí)候我們會(huì)不自覺(jué)地尋找一段浪漫的戀情來(lái)填補(bǔ)空虛的生活和心靈，但是這絕對(duì)沒(méi)用。實(shí)際上，我們?cè)谔钛a(bǔ)這片空白的同時(shí)會(huì)產(chǎn)生更大的失望。

沒(méi)有人，不管他們多么美妙，能夠滿(mǎn)足我們每時(shí)每刻的期望。這是不可能的事情。那么，我們?cè)撛趺崔k呢？

不要在錯(cuò)誤的地方尋找愛(ài)情！如果你能夠依靠自己排遣無(wú)聊的生活，那么你的配偶身上的壓力會(huì)少很多，而這樣對(duì)你們的關(guān)系只能起到加強(qiáng)的作用。

填補(bǔ)心靈的空白，愛(ài)自己，接受自己，安慰自己，成為你想成為的人，保持自己的完整，然后與你的伴侶分享這種完整性。

〜享受當(dāng)前的生活〜

對(duì)你們之間的關(guān)系有所設(shè)想，但是要靈活。當(dāng)你和伴侶在一起時(shí)就要關(guān)注他。很多時(shí)候我們會(huì)對(duì)未來(lái)胡思亂想，想著這段感情在半年后會(huì)怎么樣，一年后會(huì)怎么樣，五年后又會(huì)怎么樣，而不是享受當(dāng)前的生活。這種心情會(huì)讓我們心神不定，在我最喜歡的法蘭克·辛納屈的歌里有一首叫《All the Way》，他在里面唱道“誰(shuí)知道這條路會(huì)將我們帶往何處，只有傻子才說(shuō)知道”。相信這句話(huà)吧，不要擔(dān)心這條路會(huì)將我們帶往何方，只要準(zhǔn)備好旅費(fèi)就好了。

我們要相信一切都在向好的方向發(fā)展。享受我們的旅程吧，無(wú)論在哪里停下，對(duì)我們來(lái)說(shuō)都是理想的場(chǎng)所。

〜傷痛浮現(xiàn)時(shí)，正視它們的存在〜

除非關(guān)系親密，否則沒(méi)有人會(huì)去碰觸你的敏感問(wèn)題。毫無(wú)疑問(wèn)真正的伴侶會(huì)和你討論這些問(wèn)題。雖然這讓人感覺(jué)很不舒服，但實(shí)際上卻是一件好事。實(shí)際上，如果你和某人相處，卻沒(méi)有隨著時(shí)間的推移將你心底的不安說(shuō)出來(lái)，就會(huì)讓人擔(dān)心了，因?yàn)檫@不自然。很多人說(shuō)相愛(ài)是件容易的事情，但是事實(shí)卻是不管怎么想它都不是件容易的事情。

受傷時(shí)—肯定會(huì)有這種情況發(fā)生—要試著把這當(dāng)作一次機(jī)會(huì)，將過(guò)去所有困擾你的事情說(shuō)出來(lái)。傷痛浮現(xiàn)時(shí)，說(shuō)出你的感覺(jué)，比如害怕脆弱，害怕親密，害怕拒絕，害怕被遺棄，這些情緒對(duì)我們大多數(shù)人來(lái)說(shuō)總是時(shí)有發(fā)生。這是我們作為人類(lèi)的一部分特質(zhì)，沒(méi)必要逃避。逃避會(huì)使它們永遠(yuǎn)纏著我們。

一旦你知道傷在何處，就要正視它們。不要再害怕跟某個(gè)人分享，只要承認(rèn)它的存在并勇敢的向前就行了，不要因?yàn)楦杏X(jué)不舒服就退縮不前。一旦你讓自己正視了這些問(wèn)題，就會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)自己有足夠的力量承受它們，就不會(huì)再受其所苦。

〜執(zhí)行這一金科玉律〜

在我們長(zhǎng)大過(guò)程中多少次聽(tīng)到父母背誦這一金科玉律——“己所不欲，勿施于人”？這句話(huà)很有道理不是嗎？但是在實(shí)際生活中我們卻并不總是在按照這條原則辦事，特別是跟我們的愛(ài)人有關(guān)的事情上。

為別人想想，想想他們的感情，他們的過(guò)去，他們的傷痛，他們的夢(mèng)想，不要總想著自己。憑著愛(ài)、寬容與理解的原則做事。

〜每天補(bǔ)充精神食糧〜

過(guò)去，一旦跟某個(gè)人談戀愛(ài)，我就會(huì)把自己的精神價(jià)值拋之腦后。我有我自己做事的方式，不需要聽(tīng)從上帝的。畢竟，他的方式也許會(huì)意味著這段感情并不符合我想象的模式。

但是最近我學(xué)會(huì)了按照不同的方式處理問(wèn)題：精神生命第一。這個(gè)秘訣可以協(xié)助上面提到的所有秘訣同步發(fā)揮作用。相信在你之外有更強(qiáng)大力量，并且不管這個(gè)世界偶爾看上去是多么的糟糕都要相信它是完美的，這有助于你將內(nèi)心的平和作為日常經(jīng)歷一部分。平和而不是恐懼會(huì)在生活和人際關(guān)系中取勝。一定要去爭(zhēng)取那些能讓你高興的東西。總之：

噢！愛(ài)情肯定是具有挑戰(zhàn)性的。實(shí)際上我們很多人有時(shí)候都會(huì)想它到底值不值得，特別是當(dāng)我們經(jīng)歷了某次分手或者離婚后。要駕馭我們的感情和經(jīng)驗(yàn)相當(dāng)困難，要駕馭別人的就更不用提了。但是俗話(huà)說(shuō)“好事多磨”，而愛(ài)情就是最美好的事物。

與其他人相處，特別是最親密的人，是生活的真正本質(zhì)。最后，這也是最重要的。我不相信我們出生只是為了對(duì)愛(ài)情戰(zhàn)戰(zhàn)兢兢、穿漂亮衣服或者及時(shí)還賬單。我們活著有更多的目標(biāo)。

我們的目的是要充分的體驗(yàn)生活，包括愛(ài)情，我們生來(lái)就有這種能力。要相信自己能夠駕馭充滿(mǎn)挑戰(zhàn)的愛(ài)情。只要我們有勇氣，就能夠探索愛(ài)情的奧秘，能夠輕輕松松，能夠真的去愛(ài)。