All parents tell their children little white lies from time to time. ‘Of course Father Christmas comes down the chimney!’ ‘Eat your spinach — you’ll get as strong as Popeye.’ ‘No, I didn’t put that pound under your pillow. It was the Tooth Fairy,’ ... and so on. It’s all part of the magic of childhood.
However, there’s one fib that’s bigger than all the others. It’s ‘I don’t have a favourite child.’
In his fascinating new book, The Sibling Effect: What Bonds Among Brothers and Sisters Reveal About Us, Jeffrey Kluger, a father of two daughters, aged eight and ten, claims that ‘95 percent of parents in the world have a favourite child — and the other 5 percent are lying.’
Kluger may be exaggerating the figures for dramatic effect — but despite every parent’s vehement denial that they have a favourite child — scientific research shows that he is not far off the truth.
According to one recent study by researchers from the University of California — which followed 384 sibling pairs and their parents for three years — 65 percent of the mothers and 70 percent of fathers exhibited a preference for one child. As this was among families that knew they were being monitored, there’s a strong possibility the true figures could be significantly higher.
Favouritism is certainly a controversial topic. When raised as a subject for discussion on parenting websites, it always elicits a stream of outrage and angry denials.
But interestingly, a lot of personal anecdotes appear from parents who say they were overshadowed by a favoured sibling, or were, indeed, their mother or father’s favourite. It seems everyone knows favouritism exists — but nobody wants to put their hand up and say they’re guilty of it themselves.
Other research, where siblings have been asked to say who their mother and father favour, suggests that mothers do tend to a show a preference for their first-born son, but fathers often dote on their youngest daughters.
Parents will often be drawn to the child who is easiest to get along with — or the child that shares similar traits to them. For example, mum will have a special bond with her sensitive, arty son, while dad lavishes attention on his sporty daughter.
Professor Scott says being least favoured in a family can colour our behaviour as adults. ‘Children who feel they are less loved within their family are more likely to develop low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.’
But some experts believe being less favoured can have positive consequences. Professor Scott agrees that favoured children can sometimes find life difficult when they have to rub along in the real world.
所有的父母都會(huì)時(shí)不時(shí)地告訴孩子一些善意的小謊言。“圣誕老人當(dāng)然是從煙囪里下來(lái)了!”“把你的菠菜吃了——你會(huì)像大力水手一樣強(qiáng)壯的。”“不,我沒(méi)有把那一英鎊放在你的枕頭下。是牙仙干的。”諸如此類。這都是童年神奇色彩的一部分。
然而,有一個(gè)謊言比所有其他謊言都要大。這就是“我沒(méi)有對(duì)哪個(gè)小孩偏心”。
在他引人入勝的新書(shū)《同胞效應(yīng):兄弟姐妹紐帶大揭秘》中,杰弗里•克魯格稱,“世界上95%的父母都有偏愛(ài)的孩子——而其他5%是在說(shuō)謊。”克魯格有兩個(gè)女兒,分別是8歲和10歲。
克魯格可能是為了戲劇化效果夸大了數(shù)字,不過(guò)盡管每個(gè)父母都強(qiáng)烈否認(rèn)自己有特別偏愛(ài)的小孩,但科學(xué)研究顯示,克魯格所說(shuō)的離真相并不遠(yuǎn)。
根據(jù)加利福尼亞大學(xué)研究人員的一項(xiàng)新研究,65%的母親們和70%的父親們都表現(xiàn)出對(duì)某個(gè)小孩的偏心。該研究在三年間跟蹤調(diào)查了384名有兄弟姐妹的孩子和他們的父母。因?yàn)檫@些家庭知道他們正受到監(jiān)視,所以極有可能真實(shí)的比例還要大得多。
偏心確實(shí)是一個(gè)備受爭(zhēng)議的話題。當(dāng)育兒網(wǎng)站將偏心作為討論的話題時(shí),總會(huì)有許多憤慨的父母生氣地表示否認(rèn)。
不過(guò),有趣的是,許多父母在講述自己的個(gè)人經(jīng)歷時(shí)會(huì)提到自己曾因?yàn)樾值芑蚪忝酶芨改笇檺?ài)而受冷落。似乎每個(gè)人都知道偏心的存在,但沒(méi)有人愿意舉手承認(rèn)自己也偏心。
其他研究讓有兄弟姐妹的孩子們說(shuō)出父母更寵愛(ài)誰(shuí),結(jié)果顯示,母親一般更寵愛(ài)她們的大兒子,而父親則往往更寵愛(ài)他們的小女兒。
父母?jìng)兺ǔ?huì)更愿意接近那些相處起來(lái)最輕松的小孩,或是和自己有相近特質(zhì)的小孩。例如,母親也許和她那個(gè)敏感、喜歡附庸風(fēng)雅的兒子特別親近,而父親則會(huì)十分關(guān)注自己愛(ài)好運(yùn)動(dòng)的女兒。
斯科特教授說(shuō),在家里被冷落會(huì)影響我們成年后的行為。“那些感覺(jué)自己在家中沒(méi)人疼的小孩更可能出現(xiàn)自卑、焦慮和抑郁情緒。”
不過(guò)一些專家認(rèn)為,不受寵也會(huì)帶來(lái)積極的影響。斯科特教授承認(rèn),當(dāng)受寵的孩子不得不在現(xiàn)實(shí)世界中勉強(qiáng)度日時(shí),有時(shí)會(huì)感到人生很艱難。