From my perspective, once you enter into the realm of marriage, building and maintaining a successful marriage is actually a big part of personal and financial success. A solid marriage not only results in people sharing resources together, but a marriage also provides a lot of emotional support, cheerleading, and encouragement to succeed.

    In the most recent reader mailbag, I answered a question about marriage from a reader named Sally: You and your wife seem to have a very strong marriage. Can you give me some tips on how to keep my marriage strong? What do you do to keep it that way?

    After I posted the question and my response （which I quoted below）, I received a small flood of emails from readers telling me about their troubled marriage at length and asking me for more suggestions along these lines, something that I was happy to oblige in the first email, but by the time the twentieth or so arrived, I realized that this would make a better standalone post than simply reiterating the same ideas in a long string of emails.

    First, a general note: my belief is that a successful marriage is built one moment at a time. From what I've learned, a marriage is like a stone wall: it's a mix of big things and little things, all assembled together to form something strong. Sure, there are a lot of big rocks in that wall （the big moments in your marriage, like your wedding day or some other big, key moment）, but those rocks don't fit together without a lot of little rocks to fill in the gaps and make them strong.

    Most marriages seem to have little problem with their big moments. It's easy to think back and think of big, happy moments in the marriage. I tend to believe that most marriages fail because of the small moments. Our individual lives get so busy that we fail to spend the time and effort to put those little stones in place, and when a bit of pressure is applied, the wall falls apart easily. On the other hand, when the little stones are there to fill in the gaps, the wall becomes strong and able to withstand anything that comes along.

    I also believe that the little things are hard. Often, it's not a matter of desire - almost all of us genuinely want to make our marriages work and work well. The challenge for many is that we get wrapped up in the complexity of our own lives. Others simply have difficulty expressing or showing what we feel.

    What follows are twelve little things I do quite regularly to put those little pieces into my marriage. Please, use as many of these as seem reasonable. The first five are quoted from my response to the original question in the mailbag.

    I tell my wife I love her every single day.I usually do it in the morning before she leaves the bedroom, and on weekdays I'll also tell her when I see her in the evening for the first time. I usually couple it with a kiss. It's so simple, but it's a constant reminder of the fact that I do love her, no matter what.

    I ask about her day, listen, and ask follow up questions.I do this not only so I can keep tabs on her professional life, but also to give her a great chance to vent about her situation. Everyone needs to talk about themselves sometimes to someone who is interested - I try to provide that for her as often as I can.

    I try to surprise her on a regular basis.I'll spend an hour preparing a really excellent supper when she doesn't expect it. I'll spontaneously give the kids a bath when she's comfortable on the couch under a blanket, even if it's her turn. Doing these little unexpected things not only shows her I care, but also often compels her to do similar things for me.

    I hold her hand. I do this all the time, whenever it crosses my mind and seems appropriate.I'll just hold her hand gently while we're talking or we're riding in the car or we're waiting for an appointment or we're sitting on the couch in the evenings.

    I talk about EVERYTHING with her and let her determine what's interesting.If something is concerning me, I don't hide it from her. I tell her about it. Most of the time she's interested and we'll discuss it - sometimes she's not and I let it drop （this is key - if she's not into the topic, I don't push it）. Either way, though, she gets the message that I'm making an effort to share and be open.

    I work on building a positive relationship with her family.Whenever I visit or see anyone in her family, I make a special effort to try to establish or build upon a strong relationship with them. This accomplishes several things: it makes her more at ease in a family situation, it helps me to build stronger ties with people that are important to her, and it helps me to understand the influences that were around her as she grew up.

    I send her messages during the day.About once a week, during a time where my wife is really present in my thoughts, I send her a little simple note by email. All it says is something along the lines of "I was thinking about you just now. I can't wait until I see you this evening." It's just a very simple way of letting her know she's on my mind and in my heart.

    I put careful thought into gifts I give her.Sure, it's easy to just run out and get a generic gift to cover yourself during an anniversary or a birthday. However, a gift with some real thought behind it means substantially more than an obviously off-the-cuff gift.

    I encourage her to follow her passions and interests, even if they don't inspire or interest me.If my wife chooses to spend significant time on a project, it's obviously something that's important to her. That doesn't imply at all that it has to be important to me. If she's involved in her own project, I give her positive encouragement and then work on my own interests instead of saying things like "that seems like a waste of time."

    If she needs me, I willingly contribute to those passions.If something genuinely excites her and she wants me to experience it, I willingly involve myself in whatever it may be: a particular type of art, a craft project, a yard project, whatever. Even if I don't enjoy it, I do have the opportunity to learn more about my wife and what she's passionate about, which means that my understanding of her grows.

    I look for opportunities to build mutual friendships.The idea that there is a group of people that are "my" friends and another group that is "her" friends can be a big dividing factor between us. Instead, I often focus on building friendships and relationships that we share with others so that something of a community of friendship and love grows up around us.

    I hold her every night, even if it's just for a moment.I might be completely exhausted when I go to bed in the evening, but I take a moment to move close to her, put my arm around her, and hold her close, even if it's just for a minute or so. That moment of physical contact to end the day is a simple sign of love.

    我覺得從踏入婚姻的城堡起，建立和維護(hù)一樁美滿的婚姻便是個(gè)人和事業(yè)成功的一個(gè)重要部分。一樁美滿的婚姻并不僅僅意味著兩人間的資源共享，它還會(huì)給予你更多的感情支持并賦予你邁向成功的勇氣。

    在最近的讀者信箱里，我曾回答過一個(gè)叫Sally的讀者有關(guān)婚姻方面的問題，她說：你的婚姻看起來很幸福，你能否傳授我一些保持幸�；橐龅男〖记桑磕闶窃趺醋龅降哪�？

    后來我給出了意見和答案（下面會(huì)提到）.我接到過許多這樣的讀者郵件，都是關(guān)于如何挽救糟糕的婚姻的。在前幾封信時(shí)，我很樂于去一一幫助他們，但隨著時(shí)間的推移有20多封有關(guān)這方面的信，我意識(shí)到應(yīng)該單獨(dú)討論一下這個(gè)問題，這會(huì)比只在那進(jìn)行一系列相同意見的回復(fù)要好的多。

    首先，有一個(gè)根本性的提示：我相信幸福的婚姻是建立在每一個(gè)小瞬間的。在我看來，婚姻就像一堵墻：一堆大大小小的石塊砌在一起才變成堅(jiān)固的墻。砌墻用的大石塊（類似于你婚姻中某些重要的時(shí)刻，比如結(jié)婚當(dāng)天或者其他很重要的日子）,但是這些大石塊并不能使彼此緊密的砌在一起，所以必須要為其加入一些小石塊，好填滿空隙，只有這樣的墻才是堅(jiān)固的。

    很多婚姻的重要時(shí)刻看起來都是沒有什么問題的。在幸福的時(shí)刻，它們?nèi)菀妆幌肫�，被擴(kuò)大。我更傾向于許多失敗的婚姻是由于一些生活中的小點(diǎn)滴造成的。我們每個(gè)人都繁忙的生活著，讓我們沒有充足的時(shí)間去下功夫--去加那些"小石塊".所以當(dāng)"墻"受到一點(diǎn)壓力時(shí)就會(huì)因無法支撐而坍塌。換句話說，如果我們記得用"小石塊" 填滿那些空隙，那么"墻"才能堅(jiān)固到可以抵御即將到來的壓力。

    我也相信要做到這些小事是很難的。通常它們不關(guān)乎欲望--幾乎我們所有人都真誠的希望自己有一樁美滿的婚姻。對(duì)許多人來說對(duì)付我們已經(jīng)成型的復(fù)雜生活本身就是一個(gè)挑戰(zhàn)，讓我們精疲力盡，剩下的一些簡(jiǎn)單的東西反而因?yàn)楹?jiǎn)單讓我們覺得難以表達(dá)或表現(xiàn)。

    以下是我在婚姻生活中會(huì)定期做的12件事。請(qǐng)合理的最大化的運(yùn)用它們。前五個(gè)是引自我回復(fù)讀者郵件中的。

    我每天都會(huì)跟妻子說"我愛她".我通常在她早晨起床前以及每天晚上回家后第一次見她時(shí)跟她說這句話。通常還伴有一個(gè)吻。這很簡(jiǎn)單，但是這確實(shí)是在現(xiàn)實(shí)中很有效的提醒了我，無論如何我真的很愛她。

    談?wù)撍�一天的所見所聞和一些困惑。我這么做不僅是我要密切關(guān)注她的職業(yè)生涯，并且還要給于她一個(gè)發(fā)泄自己的好機(jī)會(huì)。許多時(shí)候，每個(gè)人都需要和他們喜愛的人談?wù)勛约�。我�?huì)經(jīng)常努力嘗試做這個(gè)人。

    我會(huì)定期給她一個(gè)驚喜。我會(huì)花一個(gè)小時(shí)來準(zhǔn)備一個(gè)她并不知道的豐盛大餐。我會(huì)在她舒服的躺在沙發(fā)上的時(shí)候，自覺的給孩子們洗澡，即使是在輪到她做的時(shí)候。去做這些她并未期望的小事，而不去特別表現(xiàn)那是我做的，而且也不以此強(qiáng)迫她為我做這些。

    只要我想起來，我會(huì)在任何合適的場(chǎng)合握住她的手。當(dāng)我們一起聊天，一起在車?yán)镒x書，或者是在等待參加一個(gè)約會(huì)，又或者是晚上坐在沙發(fā)上，我都會(huì)很溫柔的握住她的手。

    談?wù)撘磺泻退�有關(guān)的事情并讓她選擇她自己感興趣的。如果談到了有關(guān)我的事情，我也不會(huì)隱瞞她。我會(huì)把整件事告訴她，大多數(shù)時(shí)候只要她感興趣我們就聊聊它--有時(shí)她不愿意談的我也就不再提起（這是關(guān)鍵--如果她不想談?wù)撨@個(gè)話題，我也不會(huì)再去提它）.無論哪種方式，但只要是她得知了一點(diǎn)的，那就一定是我努力想要與她分享的。

    我努力與她的家庭建立一種友好的關(guān)系。無論何時(shí)，我都會(huì)特別努力的去與在她家所見到的任何一個(gè)人建立穩(wěn)定的關(guān)系。這有許多功效：這可以使她有一個(gè)很融洽的家庭關(guān)系，也可以使我和那些對(duì)她很重要的人之間的聯(lián)系變得更緊密，而且還能幫助我了解她從小所受到的家庭影響。

    白天我會(huì)給她發(fā)郵件。大約每周我會(huì)發(fā)一封簡(jiǎn)短的郵件，與此同時(shí)我會(huì)想我的妻子現(xiàn)在在哪兒呢。一般都是寫一些像"我想你。我等不及想要見到你"這類的話。這個(gè)方式很簡(jiǎn)單就能讓她知道我愛她、我想她。

    仔細(xì)的挑選禮物。當(dāng)然，如果你僅僅是跑出去找一個(gè)普通的禮物來使自己可以應(yīng)付一個(gè)周年紀(jì)念或者生日的話那是很簡(jiǎn)單。無論怎樣，一個(gè)真心挑選的禮物要比一個(gè)即時(shí)挑選的禮物的實(shí)際的意義大的多。

    我鼓勵(lì)她追尋自己的愛好和興趣，即使它們并不能激起我的興趣。如果我的妻子選擇花時(shí)間做某件事，很明顯那一定對(duì)她很重要。但那并不意味著對(duì)我也很重要。如果她真的去做了，我會(huì)給她積極的鼓勵(lì)并繼續(xù)著我自己感興趣的事，而不是這樣說："你是在浪費(fèi)時(shí)間。"

    如果她需要我，我樂于促成。如果有什么真的打動(dòng)了她，而且她希望我能用豐富的經(jīng)驗(yàn)指導(dǎo)她，我樂于參與，不論是什么：一種特別的藝術(shù)，手工藝，園藝，無論什么。甚至是我不喜歡的，不過我有了一個(gè)絕佳的去了解我的妻子和我妻子所鐘愛的事業(yè)的機(jī)會(huì)，這意味著我對(duì)她的認(rèn)識(shí)更深入了。

    我期待建立共有朋友的機(jī)會(huì)。這個(gè)想法出現(xiàn)是因?yàn)�，我有一�?quot;我"的朋友，她有一群"她"的朋友，而這種形式使得我們之間有了很多區(qū)分因素。換句話說，我通常集中的建立一些可以互相分享的友誼和關(guān)系，這樣有利于建立一個(gè)能讓愛和友誼累積起來的固定的小團(tuán)體。

    我每晚都會(huì)抱著她，雖然也許只有一會(huì)兒�？赡芪彝砩纤�覺時(shí)已經(jīng)筋疲力盡了，但我還是會(huì)留出時(shí)間靠近她，抱住她，和她緊緊的挨住，即使這個(gè)過程只有幾分鐘。簡(jiǎn)短的身體接觸是那一天結(jié)束時(shí)最簡(jiǎn)單的愛的信號(hào)。